Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Hateful because of a Dream... and in general.

I woke up at like 5 this morning having a dream that wasn't really a dream... 'cos I woke up.

My brain tends to conquer up these weird but incredibly realistic scenarios - when I'm between the dreamworld and reality.

It's really not helpful because a lot of the time it's about something bad about someone close to me. For example: My boyfriend. I'll have a... scenario about him doing something wrong, saying something dickish to me or like... cheating. Now bare in mind I don't mean to think of these things... it just happens. 

And it's sooooo goddamn realistic that sometimes it takes a while to figure out whether it was a memory or just a dream haha. 

ugghhhh, so for like the whole morning I'll lie in bed pissed off with him and just feeling hateful. But, like, I don't tell him obviously because he ain't done anything wrong. By the time I see him that day the scenario will have faded and I would just think of it as a dream, I'm not mad at him.

Which is a relief 'cos it'd be awkward trying to explain why I was mad at him.

Basically, no matter who it is in the scenario, for most mornings I curl up into a little ball of hate. Just with general thoughts too. 

Using my boyfriend as an example wasn't probably the best idea but it was the easiest one haha. Now y'all probably think I'm the worst kinda girlfriend, maybe a bit scary in a way but I assure you I'm actually not too bad.

The scenarios with Kenny (Bf) don't actually happen that often, it's actually very rare to be very honest with you. 

More common ones are what my friends do or even my family. I even have ones about people I don't really know par their face!

It's really frustrating. 
But after morning, I just kinda laugh about it.

Buuuuuuuuuuuut in general, just so yous know I am quite a critical and hateful person - except in a quiet way. I generally don't talk much or enjoy social gatherings. I won't straight up go and tell someone what I think of them, it's not fair because chances are, I've never really spoken to them and they've never really spoken to me haha.

I usually just sit back in social gatherings analyzing everyone there, I find it easy to read people, I've always been a quiet person so you get used to just observing. I just concentrate on how they talk, facial expressions, things they say, the way they react when someone interrupts them during talking, general body language....etc etc etc.

But eventually I'll analyze them enough to find something that annoys me about them and just start to dislike them. I don't mean it. They ain't done anything bad towards me - they've actually been quite friendly. It's just I see something that pushes my buttons (in the bad way). 

It's not something like their irritating spray of saliva they make when they pronounce an 'S', no it's a lot deeper, why are they where they are, their relations to people, the way they carry themselves....

I don't feel that way about everyone of course, I have close friends and a partner. I have a very good understanding, even though something about them might irritate me, there's some parts I actually quite like - I like how similar they are to me.

In a sense.

Thought of theeeeee morning. 

Have a nice day! 
K x

Btw, I WILLL post about breaking bad, just been feeling a bit iffy. It will come
Cover photo bit is from Shane Koyczan, 'To this day' video.    

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